


Dear Eddie

by Dreamcatcher3



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:15:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 8,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28350738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dreamcatcher3/pseuds/Dreamcatcher3
Summary: As part of his therapy, Buck is told to keep a journal and to write about anything and everything.Buck found it annoying and childish until he decided that he would use the exercise to write letters to Eddie.By writing to Eddie, Buck's feelings and thoughts begin to fill the pages, including his love for his best friend.Good thing journals are private. Right?
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 117
Kudos: 255





	1. Chapter 1

Buck secretly pulls out his notebook (he refused to call it a journal), knowing that at any moment someone could come into the bunk room and see what he was doing but needing to write before resting. Part of him figured that the rest of the team would respect his privacy, but he also knew how nosy all of them could be (especially Chim) so he knew he had to be quick.

It was something he did every night, no matter how little he wrote, after Frank gave it to him as a homework assignment after one of their sessions. Granted he told him to just keep a journal but he was far too old to be "dear diary"ing every night, let alone once. So he decided he would keep a notebook and use it to write letters instead. 

At first they were to himself, but that made Buck feel stupid so he ripped up those pages and started anew. He wrote letters to Bobby and Maddie before he decided that he didn't feel as free as the assignment was meant for. But then one day he realized Eddie is where he felt the most free. He could tell that man anything, and sure there was some judgement (see lawsuit for exhibit A) but Eddie still cared about him. Eddie stayed. Even mad, he stayed. Sure they might not talk for a few days, but Eddie was always there. (It made him a little sad that he couldn't say the same about anyone else, but at least some people came back. Right?)

And that meant everything and so his letters were to Eddie, and they became easier and easier to write. They were like secrets whispered to the universe; heard but not heard. It made him feel like he could say anything. To reach to every corner of his being and just be Buck. To just be Evan.

It also made him realize something. Something very important but oh so terrifying.

*******

_ Dear Eddie, _

_ Oh how I hated you when I saw you. Except I didn't. I realized shortly after (as in when you were handling that grenade) that I was just scared of you. Scared of what you being there meant for me and my place at the 118.  _

_ I didn't come from a happy home, especially after Maddie left, and I got used to doing whatever for attention. I'm sure you heard from the others (Chim) how I screwed up when I first got here. I know I did. I didn't belong, Cap wanted to just keep things professional, no family like relations, and so I sought out connections elsewhere. No one ever wanted me for anything but my body, so I became all about my body too. _

_ But eventually I found my place with them. I was starting to belong, and then you showed up. Bobby was already proud of you and you had just started. He never seemed that proud of me, even when I tried my hardest at everything, to learn everything. I was just a stupid kid to them. At least in my mind. _

_ So I hated you. I hated that you could easily steal the spot I worked so hard for. The family I had to build for myself. _

_ But then I saw you. I saw what you can do, and I realized I wasn't being replaced, just gaining someone. A someone who will go head first into things right along with me (and give Cap grey hairs just as I do). _

_ I know everyone still sees me as a kid who does stupid things. As an overgrown golden retriever. I know you do too. But you see me as more. I realized that when you invite me over, let me meet your family, to be best friends with Christopher, to be best friends with you. _

_ I realized that I could love you. _

  
  
  
  
  


_ Do you think you could love me too? _


	2. Buck Begins

Buck smiles as he listens to everyone's story, sharing how they ended up becoming a firefighter and is amazed at what they went through to get where they are. He knows his story has just as many obstacles if not more, but unlike with them, he wasn't willing to share his past.

"What about you Buck?" Chim asks as he nudges him before reaching for one of the snacks on the coffee table as the team takes over the louge since it has been a slow day. "What brought you here?"

"I wanted to do something to help people." He shrugs.

"Cop out!" Chim boos and gets the others laughing.

"What?" He chortles. "It's true. I wanted to help people and unlike with the SEALs, I didn't have to give up emotions to do so."

"SEALs?" Eddie asks, and it dons on him that only Bobby knew about that part of his past.

"Ah yeah," he rubs the back of his neck. "I tried out about a year before training with the LAFD. Made it most of the way before I realized to be one I would have to shut off my humanity, and I just can't do that."

"Of course not, Buck," Hen gives him a gentle smile and a friendly pat on his hand. "The best thing about you is your heart. Makes you great at what you do."

"Thanks Hen." He gives her back a bright smile before looking as subtly as possible at Eddie. The rest might not know what was entailed to try out for SEALs, but Eddie would. He would know no one just tries out without serving or without health problems making you ineligible, and since he made it into the LAFD only a year later, Eddie would know he served.

The alarm blares then, saving him from any probing questions, and would likely have all of them forgetting what he said. All of them but Eddie.

*******

_ Dear Eddie, _

_ I know you were shocked today to hear about my life before the 118. Well not my life, you know a lot about me including that one incident down in South America. But a chunk of it that I kept to me. No one knows about it. I know you won't judge me about it, and well I decided to tell you about it. But to do that, I'll have to start at the very beginning: my childhood. _

_ Maddie and I don't talk about our past for a reason. Our childhood wasn't necessarily abusive, but it wasn't good. Especially for me. _

_ You had to notice the 13 year gap between my sis and me - that's because I wasn't wanted. Our parents planned to have her and were happy to just have the one, so not only was I a surprise but completely unwanted by them. But between Maddie wanting me and their old Christian beliefs against abortions, I was born. _

_ I bet now you are thinking about Maddie's and my relationship, right? She completely disappeared for three years with very little contact before then, and I threw my arms wide for her the moment I saw her. I offered her a place, helped her get a job, and even helped her get her new place and all that entails. I ran to find her when he took her, more than willing to die in her place. And do you know why? Because she practically raised me. She taught me my abc and how to tie my shoes, and all things my parents should have taught me. My parents gave only the basic attention to me, but preferred to not have to bother with me at all. _

_ I spent a lot of time with her, and if not her I was with the elderly or well just anywhere where my presence wasn't a problem. Where I wasn't considered exhausting. I got so desperate for any praise and attention, and I don't think I have outgrown that. In fact, I know I haven't seeing as the team refers to me as a golden retriever.  _

_ I don't think I can get into anymore, especially not the years when Maddie was gone from the house; I really don't want to relive it even if it's to tell you. _

_ The point is, my need to be praised and seek out good attention led me to gaining the drive to help people. I need to help others. (It also lead to me sleeping around with anyone who gave the slightest interest, but that is behind me now) _

_ I tried the medical field but felt like I wasn't my own person since Mads went into nursing. Didn't like the fact that it was helping at the end of their trying situations either. While walking the campus one day, there was a recruiter and he told me how I can help at the beginning. Sure they are in pain, but I could help ease it a lot sooner than I would be able to in the medical field. I talked to all the branches and decided the navy suited me best. _

_ I served four years, went to several countries, while working on my college degree online whenever I could, but realized it wasn't enough. I knew some SEALs, and decided to give that a try. I soon realized that while they were human in bars, at the park, and all the public social places, they turned their emotions off during training and on missions. It was breaking me, and I couldn't do it. _

_ When I left training I ran to South America, became a bartender. Something so far away from everyone and anything connected to my past. After all, Maddie is the only real connection I wanted and she was gone so why stay? Eventually the need to take care of others, to help, and the need to be back to the familiar, drove me back to the states. One of the first weeks back, there was a car accident - five car pileup - and I don't know, I just dove in and helped where I could. The captain told me I did a good job, definitely saved lives, and told me to think about joining the LAFD. I did, and now I'm here. I found my calling, and in doing so I found a family. _

_ And that's my story. My beginning. _


	3. Some Days are Too Much

Buck could feel a pressing weight on his chest, threatening to break him, as he tried to keep the woman calm and stabilize her as Eddie runs to get the jaws of life to free her from the crushed car. He honestly wasn't sure how she was even still alive after being T-boned by someone that ran the red light at 60 mph.

"I know it hurts, but you can't move, okay Jess? You need to stay as still as possible." He can't help himself as he cups her cheek in his hand and gently strokes it with his thumb. "We'll get you out soon." Her pelvis was crushed, and the moment the pressure was relieved, she would be in far greater pain. "Why don't you tell me about something you enjoy doing? Something you look forward to after all this?"

"I like photography." She grits out. "Planned on shooting a calendar."

"A sexy firefighter one? Because I just happen to know some." He smiles when he's able to get her to laugh, if only for a few seconds.

"Not that I wouldn't," she grins, "but it's more on the lines on landscapes."

"Firefighters and landscapes? Good combo."

"Sure. We'll even add in animals. Press all the right buttons."

"Yes! I could curl up with a dog, or -" he cuts himself off when he sees her face twist in pain, the skin clammy and pale before him. "Worse or the same?"

"Worse."

_ Shit. Worse means more problems. _

Buck starts going through what hurts, cataloging them, grateful Eddie was already set up to work on the door. With a signal, the man turns the machine on and Buck tenses ready to jump in to stem off any blood flow or to force Jess to stay still. One wrong move or move too slow, and it will be over for her. 

He keeps himself aware of his partner but made sure to put his focus on Jess and what was happening around her. Nothing was getting shifted that could cause more problems.

"Now Buck!"

Buck jumps to stem the bleeding and stabilize her. He notes Eddie practically tossing the jaws of life aside to join into the fray before Chim and Hen could take over. Before he has to rethink about the fact that Jess is pregnant and has either lost the baby already, will lose it, or will have to make the difficult choice to abort it because her injuries will not allow for her to carry a child.

"It would have hurt less if you set me on fire," Jess gripes playfully. "Just because you two are cute doesn't mean you can get away with shit like this."

"Oh?" Eddie lets himself be drawn in. "And what will we have to do to make amends since our looks aren't helping us out?"

"Hmmm…" she groans loudly as she is shifted slightly. "Maybe a selfie with my heroes." 

"Yeah. We can do that. Right Buck?"

"Sure." He swallows around the lump in his throat. 

"Alright. Ready to be lifted out?"

"No but let's do it." Jess chuckles.

Buck knew his ears were going to be filled with her scream for hours if not days. He has no clue how the three were able to smile and take a pic together on her cracked but functioning phone before she was loaded into the ambulance.

"Thanks guys." She tells them. Her face showed her sadness, but they could see she was a fighter. "This day may be shitty, but it could have been worse. Thank you." Jess finally lets herself cry as the doors shut and she is taken away.

She always takes Buck's strength right along with her.

  
  
  


He had seen the blood between her legs. The baby was gone.

*******

_ Dear Eds, _

_ I hate that you saw me break down and cry, but I'm thankful you were there to hold me together today.  _

_ I know Jess lost her baby. A baby she wanted. She was still able to keep a good spirit through it all, and I have no idea how.  _

_ All I've been through, and with each one I thought of giving up. Laying in bed and just waste away. I wasn't even the one hurt today, who lost so much, and it still feels like someone is trying to rip my heart out!  _

_ How am I so weak? _

_ How can I want to collapse every time something bad happens and still do this job? Maybe this is what Bobby feared when he didn't let me back on the team. Maybe I should have just taken my walking papers instead of filing that suit. _

_ Maybe I wasn't cut out for this just like the SEALs. _

  
  
  
  


_ Maybe I can go work with kids. At least then I wouldn't be so weak……...I think. _


	4. You Stole my Kid!

Buck will never know how Christopher always knew what to say. He was far better attuned with others than like 80% of adults (if not more). 

He also had no clue how a small little hand on your face and "It'll be okay kid" can ease burdens and sorrows, but it did. Chris was like the best medicine ever and companies could make millions if they could clone or bottle up all that kindness.

That little gesture, so full of love and hope, brought sunshine back into his life since Jess's accident. (Buck now knew that was Eddie's plan all along and was why he gave them some time alone)

This kid was magic. Made it hard to be anything but happy, and never judged you if you felt down. 

"What's got you two all excited?" Eddie teases as he joins Buck and Christopher on the back porch. "If you two were dogs, your tails would be wagging."

"We're just happy." Buck pouts.

"Yeah, dad. We're happy." Chris pouts too and it makes Eddie snort.

"Think you two are hanging out too much."

"You take that back!" Buck gasps dramatically, even puts a hand over his heart, just to make his two favorite people laugh. "You're just jealous that he's my favorite Diaz."

A giggle erupts from the boy as he leans into Buck's chest. "Yeah. I'm his favorite." 

"Betrayed by my own son." Eddie groans and acts like he's dying, sprawling out over the deck.

"You'll survive." Chris pats his dad's hand and laughs. "So Buck, want to hear about cats?" Buck listens attentively to a bunch of facts about cats and adding his own in, his friend just smiling away as he listens to the two of them.

(Did you know cats can make around a hundred different sounds?)

*******

_ Dear Jackass, _

_ You stole my kid! I have no idea how but I cannot in any way figure out how you got Chris. He is mine! He is a mini me of me, not you. You have to tell me how you ended up with a kid that is clearly mine. _

  
  
  


_ Ok, yes I know biologically he is yours, but you cannot tell me so much of him doesn't remind you of me. Somehow there was a mixup in heaven or wherever kids wait in when waiting to be born. (Does this mean my future kid is going to be a mini Eddie?) _

_ Maybe that's why we met. Whatever being that is in charge realized the mistake and found another way to bring my kid into my life. You're just the tagalong. The second best and favorite Diaz. _

_ It's why Christopher and I hit it off so well and so quickly and why I am his best friend: because he's mine! You stole my kid! _

_ I don't know what to do with this new information. _

_ You're lucky you're an amazing dad and a good friend, otherwise I'd have to do something drastic (and stupid) to keep Superman with me. _

  
  
  


_ (Promise you'll stick around. Please? Let me be a part of both your lives forever.) _


	5. Slow Days

Today's shift was slow going, simple and easy calls barely peppering the day. At one time they would have driven Buck insane; he hated being still or doing mundane things but lately he was starting to see the appeal. Slow days gave your body rest while your mind wandered. Slow days let you enjoy the things so easily looked over due to their constant presence - not that he ever overlooked the wonders of his team, but still.

Slow days let him chat in comfort with Chim about his fears and hopes of a soon to be father. To watch as the team rallies around his friend to over advise but ultimately telling him that no two children are the same and no one will know better than him and Maddie what their child needs and how to best care for them.

Days like this also let Buck help Hen study to become a doctor, his own experience coming forth and aiding further than the flash cards could. Of course no one knew that, not even Maddie, and they just thought he had studied hard too to be a good friend. 

Then there was Bobby who used slow days to teach the young firefighter how to cook. He had learned so much thanks to his captain, more than just the basics that let him survive for years. Now he could make dishes that filled bellies and warmed hearts.

The best thing about slow days though was Eddie. Days like this let the older man be a bit more carefree because there was no dangerous but badass stunt to pull, a few hours where someone else was caring for his son, and didn't have to worry about making money or making non-poisonous food (how that man hadn't learned to cooking anything beyond pancakes safely was beyond him). A slow shift for Eddie meant he could be taken care of instead of being the caregiver. It made for a little bit of a carefree Eddie, and Buck loved it.

"Come wrestle with me," Eddie grins and beckons him over. 

"What if I don't want to?" Buck asks even as he walks over. "What then?"

"I'll pin you beneath me anyways."

*******

_ Carefree Eddie, _

_ It was great to see you again today. I know you have been showing up more and more lately, but I never get enough of seeing you. Don't get me wrong, I love all the other sides of you but when you get to be carefree, well it makes me feel like I'm doing something right. That I can care for you in turn.  _

_ Something about you Eds makes me ready and willing to take on the world. I would do anything to protect you and your happiness, and when carefree Eddie makes his appearance, I count it as a victory.  _

_ But please don't say suggestive things anymore. Not only does it get my hopes up, but it's really awkward to have a boner and I can't do anything about it.  _


	6. Nightmares and Monster Chasers

Buck hated when his memories turned to nightmares. He hated even more when they combined. Unfortunately his brain didn't seem to get that memo. 

If left him screaming himself awake and thrashing about until he toppled off the bed. He hit the floor with a loud thud, before he realized that he wasn't stuck underneath the fire truck. That all he had to do was pull the blanket free from his legs, and he would be able to easily get up. It took a minute for Buck to realize that he could breathe without fear of water filling his lungs or blood spilling out.

What waking didn't do was clear the panic that Christopher was out somewhere lost and hurt. That he couldn't protect what wasn't with him. That he wouldn't know if Chris was ok because he couldn't see him.

The firefighter smacks around on his nightstand for his phone, not bothering to pull himself off the floor. and quickly hits the speed dial for Eddie's number. 

Each ring was agonizing, but eventually a groggy "Buck??" Is heard.

"Chris," he pants out, both hands clenching at the phone as he presses it against his face, "I lost him...he's….he'a gone. Sorry."

"No, no Buck," the voice seemed more awake now. "You saved him and he's asleep in his bed right now. He's safe."

"So sorry," his breathing was getting more labored, "Chris….."

"I need you to focus on me Buck. Focus on me and breathe for me. Can you do that?"

"Nnnoo."

"Yes. Yes you can, mi cielo. I know you can. You can do anything."

"Eds," he whines pleadingly.

"Come on querido. Take deep breaths for me. Come on; Breathe in one...two..three. Now out, one...two..three." 

Buck follows shakily through the breathing exercise, letting Eddie guide him until he feels under control again.

"There you go." Eddie's voice was soft, soft in the way he talks to Christopher when his son is upset or scared. "Now I need you to do something for me."

"Anything."

"Thank you. I need you to go make yourself something warm to drink, and I want you to go watch a cartoon for thirty minutes before you go back to bed. Can you do that for me?"

"Yes." He'd do anything for his best friend.

"Thank you." Eddie ends the call and Buck follows through on his promise. When the time is almost up he hears a key in his lock and turns to watch his friend enter his apartment carrying a sleepy Christopher. "Figured you could use the company," the man says sheepishly. "Is that okay?"

"Of course." He turns the tv off and moves off the couch so Christopher can be laid down, and covers the little boy with a throw from the back of the couch.

"Buck?"

"Yeah buddy?"

Chris's hand comes up to cup his face. "Dad's the best monster chaser ever. He'll protect you."

"Thanks." He kisses the kid's forehead, trying to will his eyes not to water.

"Night mijo. Buck and I will be upstairs. Shout if you need anything." Eddie gives his head a kiss too before ushering him up the stairs. He keeps it up until Buck is in bed again, and he calmly climbs in behind him. "This okay?" He puts his arm over Buck's waist.

"Yeah."

"Good. Makes it easier to chase away bad dreams."

"Thank you," Buck whispers into the dark.

"Any time."

*******

_ My hero, _

_ I bet you weren't expecting to be woken up in the middle of the night or that you'd have to drag you and your kid over to my place, but you did it anyways. You never seem to hesitate when someone is in need, and it amazes me. _

_ You are a hero to so many. You are a hero to me. _

_ My body might have been safe, but my mind wasn't and you jumped right into action until I was good again. You even held me to keep the nightmares away. _

_ You made me feel safe. You still make me feel safe. _

_ I'm glad you decided I was worth being partners with and then your best friend. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not speak spanish. Had to use the internet and my mom for the endearments.
> 
> Mi cielo = my heavenly love, my darling, my love, my sweetheart  
> Querido = loved, my desires  
> Mijo = my son


	7. Here a secret: I'm bi

Leave it to Buck to run into someone he slept with back when he was bartending. Leave it to him for it to be on a call so all of his friends were around. The group of friends who didn't know sometimes he found himself wanting to be with a man.

"I can't believe we met this way," James laughs.

"You mean when your home is on fire?"

He laughs again. "Yeah. Normally the only hot thing in my home is me and the hot guy I brought home. But I guess the space heater was too much."

Buck sighs. James always was weird and made "go with the flow" his life motto. It made it easy for him to get over his time serving and SEALs training, but also made sure that they weren't more than a good time. "Do you have somewhere to stay?"

"Are you offering, Buck?" He wags his eyebrows suggestively.

"No," Eddie answers a little sternly. Hell, if he didn't know better there was a bit of a growl to it too.

"Oh." James smiles like a cat who got the cream. "Is that because he's taken?"

"............" His best friend looked uncomfortable, but he could see the tick in Eddie's jaw that meant he was gearing up for a fight. 

"Eddie….." he kept his voice soft, not wanting to startle the older man.

"He shouldn't be trying to hook up with you like you're some whore!" 

_ Oh! Oh Eddie. _

"It's fine. James is harmless." He turns his back to said man so he can focus on his friend. "He didn't mean it like that. The dummy is just from my past. He was playing. Besides I don't want him." 

_ I want you. Only you. _

"Oh." The man practically deflates before him. "Sorry."

"Why?" Buck grabs the man's shoulder and gives it a squeeze. "You were defending me. I will never get mad for that. So don't apologize. Ok?"

"Ok." Eddie nods before stepping away. "Think I'll help pack up." The former army medic walks away, leaving Buck alone with James.

"They don't know," he tells James. "No reason to tell them either."

"Not even for him?" His former flame gestures in Eddie's direction. 

"He's straight."

"Oh, shit." James sighs. "That sucks."

"No. Because I still get to be his best friend and that's enough." 

After studying for a minute James smiles. "Good for you, Buck. Glad you found your happiness."

*******

_ My dear knight, _

_ It was adorable to see you ready to defend my honor. Adorable and incredibly sexy. _

_ It was especially great because I know you heard the stories about me when I was a probie. No one defended me so quickly before (except when I served) in regards to anything. _

_ You are one of the best things to happen to me. You and Chris would be number one if it wasn't for firefighting. Firefighting brought you to me, and for that it will still be number one but definitely not my most treasured (my Diaz boys are).  _

_ Ok, well now it's time to spill something no one here knows. I'm bi. _

_ On the Kinsley scale I would fall at 2 ½. Yes I know that doesn't exactly exist but I haven't been with men enough to be a solid 3 (both from fear and interest not always there) but it is definitely more than a 2 because it's not just random sprinklings throughout my life. _

_ What does all this mean in regards to you? It means I love you in the sense of romance and wish to one day know what it feels like to have your lips pressed against mine. But I know you're straight so I let those moments of want flutter away, and cherish all the times we have together as best friends.  _

_ No matter where my sexuality takes me and with who, I know my future will still be full of moments with you and Christopher.  _

_ You are my best friend. You're my family. And that, that is enough to be happy and make my world bright. _


	8. The first time

The first time Buck knew he found his partner was when Eddie pulled the grenade out of that man's leg and smiled so casually afterwards like an ambulance. The first time he felt they could be friends was the day he found out about Eddie's son and saw the man put his fears and worries aside to do his job. The first time he felt he was missing something important in his life was when he saw Eddie hug Christopher when they got him after the earthquakes and the long work day.

The first time Buck felt like he found a place to call his own, to not have to feel so lonely, was the day he met Eddie's family; the warmest and most welcoming people anyone could ever hope for sealed the deal that he would try to keep the Diaz family with him. The first day he felt loved was the night he fell asleep at Eddie's during movie night, and rather than wake him up and send him home, both Diazes tucked him in and let him claim the couch as his. 

The first time he loved so fully was the day they went to meet santa. Or maybe it was before then, but that day made him realize just how seamlessly their lives meshed and how he wished to mix them further. The first day he hated himself was the day Shannon reappeared and had felt that he was being pushed out of Eddie's and Chris's lives slowly but surely. The first day he felt true fear was the day of the tsunami. Losing Christopher nearly destroyed him and even now it stole his breath away, left him in a cold sweat and trembling.

He had a lot of firsts because of Eddie, but no more than he did today. Today was the day Eddie made him cry from his very soul. Today was the first day that said, "you'll never be left again" because today was the day Eddie presented him with his will, a will that stated that one Evan Buckley would have full and sole custody of Christopher Diaz if anything should happen to him. Today was the day that he found out the lengths Eddie fought to make it so, because he knew how stubborn his parents were and refused to let Buck have to fight them while trying to raise Chris and grieve.

*******

_ Dear Partner, _

_ You have no idea what it meant to find out I would get Chris. I thought it was exciting and humbling to be put on as his emergency contact and given permission to handle things on your behalf, but to know you trust me that much….. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry all over again. _

_ It would be a lie if I said my future looked like I'd have my own family. Never thought anyone would stick around long enough to make a family with me. It was as if everyone was just passing through as I went home to an empty apartment. It would be a lie if I said I didn't fear the same thing happening with you, even though I feel 90% sure you'd stay in my life. But to be deemed worthy of being Chris's guardian! Well clearly my life has been moving in an awesome direction! A direction where we'll always be family! _

_ Who would have thought we'd get to this point after our bad first impressions? (Still sorry about that) _

_ Thank you _


	9. Snowballing Thoughts and Actions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm apologizing now for this chapter.

Today wasn't a good day in terms of how Buck was feeling; he had to hear how a woman at the grocery store had hit on Eddie . Of course he wanted his best friend to find happiness, but it still sucked to know because if Eddie thought it was worth mentioning, then he likely took an interest in said woman. Interest would lead to dating, and Buck wasn't sure he could listen to him talk about her. The firefighter barely survived hearing about Eddie's rekindling with Shannon, which was toppled with the team razzing him and Buck having to go along with it like he wasn't dying inside.

It also didn't help that with Eddie dating, their time would become less. Even worse, his time with Christopher would likely decrease too. Not at first though, but it would eventually because no one would want Buck hanging around the house, especially when most times hanging out with the Diazes meant last minute plans and randomly stopping by.

Of course he tried his best to remember that he was named in Eddie's will as Christopher's guardian….but...if Eddie remarries….. 

Was he destined to be left behind and only remembered at holidays and birthdays?

"What has you thinking so hard?" Bobby asks as he places a plate of food before him.

"Life."

"Are you planning another trip to the hospital?" Chim chuckles. "Should I give them a heads up?"

He knows it was said in jest, but it made the younger man wonder just how often he woke up alone in a hospital, went home alone, and how often he would still keep being alone after traumatic things happened to him. Sure he didn't want to be coddled or hovered over, but that didn't mean he wanted to be alone either. Even after Red, only his sister comforted him but still left only after an hour. 

Then there was the tsunami.

"Why weren't any of you there?" Buck asks quietly but knows they all heard him based on how quiet the loft suddenly was.

"What are you talking about?" Hen replies.

"The tsunami. I went home alone. Survived something horrible, and could have died, and I still went home alone." He looks at his team, anger and hurt visible for all to see. "I was where it started, fought for hours against the water, _bled_ while on thinners, and thought I lost Christopher for good, and I went home **_alone_ **. My only company was my nightmares, and then Chris when he was dropped off for me to babysit after he was dumped on me without my say or even comfort from my best friend until I said I thought it wasn't wise." Buck pushes his chair back as he stands. "Why do you all think it's okay to leave me behind? I know you have lives and your families, but why do I have to carve myself a piece out for you to make time for me outside of work? Time just for me?" He looks over at Chim. "You even took my sister, and see her more than I do. You didn't even talk to me to give me a heads up when you started dating even though I knew you first, and if you two failed, it would wreck my life on both sides.

"Not even when it was unfair how I was treated when I came back did any of you treat me right at first even though you all know what it's like to be shunned. Not one of you stood up for me when Bobby unfairly kept me from work and blamed the department for his shady backdoor work. Hell, Hen did an illegal procedure just recently and got praised for it, but anything I do I get reprimanded. Even Lena worked here and she had cracked ribs." Buck sighs. "I'm so tired of this."

He ignores the calls from his teammates, shakes off the hand that tries to stop him, and heads down the stairs and out of the station, glad his shift was over and they all had just been sharing a meal before going home.

*******

_Diaz,_

_Today is a shitty day, and issues I thought I was over came back up; guess they still bugged me._

_God, why did I have to go and bring that shit up? I made things difficult again and it all started because you showed interest in some woman and decided to tell me._

_Why can't I just be happy for the team? All I ever do is make things about me._

_I'm so screwed up._

_Maybe that's why I'm always left behind._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you tell I have some issues of how Buck is treated on the show, especially in comparison to the rest? Lol


	10. Bad Day Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter but carries over from the last chapter.

The first thing Buck did when he got home was get the landlord to change the locks. He was not in the mood for someone to stop by, and he already ignored the phone calls and texts blowing up his phone, so stopping by was a high possibility he needed to nip in the bud.

Buck knew it wasn't good to make big decisions when emotionally charged but he just couldn't take the risk. Too much happened when he didn't act fast enough, didn't hide quick enough. If one of the 118 found him (or Maddie or Athena), he would shatter. Buck couldn't afford that.

He even called another station for a swap because he needed a break. The firefighter needed time to sort himself out before dealing with his team again. Before he apologized to them and did whatever he could to fix things. Buck needed a break but he still needed to be useful and make money. He also needed to fix himself.

Using a page in his journal, Buck begins to make a list of things he needed to get done

  1. Get friends outside of 118
  2. Spend less time at the Diaz house
  3. Date?
  4. New apartment? One with a desk clerk or security gate
  5. Get a pet
  6. Volunteer somewhere
  7. Stop making things about me
  8. Be happy for Eddie



He sighs and puts the pen down when he couldn't think of anything else even after staring at the page for a few minutes.

  
  


His phone is still going off in the background but he doesn't bother to look at it. He also ignores when Eddie comes pounding in his door that becomes even more persistent after finding out his key no longer works.

What he does instead of answering his friends is to write one more thing in his journal before going to bed and burying his head in the pillows.

******

_Dear Eddie,_

_You were right. I'm exhausting._


	11. Time away

Buck wanted to shout for the whole world to hear that Frank told him he had every right to say what he did to the team. No one really took responsibility for their parts in what Buck suffered through before and after the lawsuit. Many just brushed it aside and expected him to do so as well. Nothing really even changed come to think of it except maybe with Eddie.

Eddie had an open invitation to his place, and they had a weekly get together at the Diaz house. So maybe it wasn't so much Buck had to carve a space for himself but rather he was left to fill it. Eddie did invite him to things, but typically if it was just the two of them then Buck made the plans. Like Frank said, maybe Eddie doesn't know how to invite him in and was following Buck's lead so things were okay. He left the space and welcomed all that Buck offered.

The others, particularly Bobby, needed to work on their relationship with him. 

That was his understanding from the session at least. Buck could only bend so much before he broke, and if they broke him again, the firefighter knew he wouldn't come back.

However, his therapist was worried about his triggering thoughts, and encouraged Buck to find something outside of firefighting to find joy in, and hopefully make friends while doing so.

Where did this lead Buck to?

Hiking.

He was hiking up a trail he knew was popular with the locals and all he could think about was how much Eddie would like the view.

It sucked.

He wanted to be with his best friend, not be around strangers who most barely gave a smile in passing.

*******

_ Dear Edmundo, _

_ Today I saw nature in all its glory and it wasn't great. It did inspire a haiku though, and how I felt since that day at the station _

_ I missed you today. _

_ It sucks not seeing your face. _

_ Why are you not here? _

_ I know I left you _

_ That I ignored knocks and calls _

_ But i still need you _

_ Without you, life sucks _

_ I wish you were more stubborn _

_ That you persisted _

_ Like used a window, _

_ Or my weakness for your son _

_ To enter my home _

_ To make me listen _

_ Hear your sorrys or your view. _

_ To show you listened _

_ To show my value _

_ That i'm not just forgotten _

_ Or an after thought _

_ That i have a home _

_ Not as a child's guardian, _

_ Or firefighter _

_ That I have a place _

_ For all that i am, with you, _

_ As Evan "Buck" Buckley _


	12. Eddie

Buck has been at the temp station for two weeks when he comes home and finds Eddie sitting in front of his door.

"Eddie?" He calls out softly, slowly making his way closer.

The man in question sighs and looks up at him. "I tried. I really tried to give you space after that night, but I can't anymore." The older man looks on the verge of crying, and seeing him vulnerable like that is what makes Buck invite the man in.

Neither talk as they make themselves comfortable at the table, cold beers in hand. It wasn't like they were waiting for the other to speak but rather trying to sort their thoughts out beforehand.

"I'm sorry." Eddie breaks the silence. "I'm sorry that the team has been treating you unfairly. You're right that we all get praised for the crazy things we do when if you had done it, you would be reprimanded. These two weeks made me also realize how quickly you find solutions and how much the 118 has relied on you for them without really giving you the appreciation you deserve but are quick to tell you about your failures. We didn't even give you a welcome back party at the station but made a big deal when all the others came back." He takes a long swig of his beer. "I honestly don't know why you put up with us. You are the first to offer help even without being asked, but are almost never extended the same courtesy."

"You offer help," Buck tells him, he didn't want Eddie to doubt how he helped. "You let me call you in the middle of the night when I have nightmares. You let me come over and hang out with you and Chris, and even spend the night. You're here now."

"Yeah, but I wasn't really there before with your leg, the embolism, and even the tsunami when you almost died to save my son. Wasn't even there after Red. I constantly just thought "oh his sister will take care of him" and "he has to know how I feel and I'm here if he needs me" without actually bothering to even see if you were ok. I also talked shit to you during and after the lawsuit all because I was angry, and yet had no problem with my fighting. I didn't even get suspended for it and really didn't think about how unfair Bobby has been to you until you told us that day. How shitty do I have to be to not know how you feel, when you can so easily know what I feel and even often give me what I need without having to be asked?" He snorts. "I yelled at you for making things about you, and yet here I am... I this, I that."

Buck doesn't know what to say; Eddie was making valid points. But he didn't like to see the man looking so defeated, so he'd have to figure it out soon.

"If you are willing to give me another chance, I would like to make up for everything I put you through and show you that you are valued and not just for what you give to others." Eddie finishes his beer. "That's it. That's all I got to say until you give me your answer." He stands up. "Oh, and I wish you the best and all the world's happiness, and I will always be there for you." He heads for the door, and Buck quickly gets up and stops him by grabbing his hand.

"Don't go." He swallows around his nervousness. "You drank."

Eddie gives him a small smile. "I'll call an uber."

"You don't want Chris to see you like this?"

"He's with Pepa."

"........" Buck bites at his lip.

"It's okay Buck," Eddie gently removes Buck's hand, "I know you still worry about me, but you need to worry more about you. You needed space and I'm not going to encroach on it further. I just needed you to know how sorry I am, and that I am just a phone call away." He goes to leave again but Buck doesn't let him.

"I need you to stay," he whispers but to him it sounded as loud as an alarm at the station. "Even if it's just for tonight, I need you here."

"I'll be here every time you want." Eddie pulls him into a hug. "I'm not the best at knowing when to extend my hand so I might need you to ask, but I promise it is always there for you."

"Always?"

"Always."

******

_ Dear Eddie, _

_ I'm writing this while you are sleeping next to me, so I'm a little worried to be found out but I promised Frank I would write in it as often as I can. _

_ Finding you at my door made my heart race, but not as much as your speech. It's what I needed, and having this time away from everyone was good because it gave me time to ponder over everything. If the apology happened too soon I would have said I forgave you so quickly that it wouldn't have done either of us any good. Everything would have festered rather than heal, but seeing you today was good. It let me start working on myself and didn't let too much time go by without seeing you and making me doubt my worth in your life. _

_ It's funny too, you joined the team last but you mean the most. I needed you to be first; I haven't even talked to Maddie. _

_ I know everyone has tried, I know you still called everyday, but it doesn't mean as much if it isn't done in person - at least to me. (It's why all my apologies were done in person) _

_ I needed you first. I love everyone, but I could survive them leaving, I can't say the same for you. Together we built a family, and with your will, I knew that we'd never really stray apart. Maddie left without a backwards glance many times, but with you….I know how you agonized over me not being around during the lawsuit. That we grew closer afterwards. I can't really say that about her.  _

_ And with her comes Chim. I haven't been ready to forgive him. Between them they took from me without thought and only left me little pieces of them. They didn't even talk to me about it, yet when she first turned him down, both kept whining to me and made it hard to be happy. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them and would have never denied them but I wasn't even an afterthought and that was the worst. Both parts of my life could be wrecked, and neither cared. _

  
  
  


_ I'm making myself mad and angry again, so I need to stop there. I just want you to know you showing up and wanting to be better with me was wonderful. _

_ Tomorrow, I think I'll ask you to make plans for us. You know, give you a chance to show me how much you care ;) _


	13. Author update

As I have been getting a few "please update" comments on my various fic, I am taking the time to inform everyone an update isn't planned any time soon. My dad passed away a few weeks ago and I cannot focus on trying to write when I'm grieving. 

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [So That You Might Hear Me](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28491279) by [Weresilver](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Weresilver/pseuds/Weresilver)




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